Supportive communication means expressing yourself in a way that allows the other person to hear you. More specifically, supportive communication means expressing yourself in a way that allows the other person to hear you. It means being careful to express views and opinions in ways that minimize defensiveness on the part of others and maximizes the other person’s ability to tune in to and understand your message.
By contrast some forms of communication signal an unsupportive attitude: sarcasm, negative comparisons, threats, dragging up the past, framing discussions as win-lose interactions. All these forms of communication hinder the other person’s ability to tune in to and understand your message.
Here are three important guidelines for Supportive Communication.
- Make Requests Rather Than Demands
- Make Communication Specific
- Remain Descriptive and Avoid Evaluative Language
Make Requests Rather Than Demands
We operate in work environments in which we measure success in terms of tasks completed, work is assigned, performance is reviewed, and deadlines are expected to be met. How we communicate these needs determines the quality of connection. Supportive communications involves requests and not demands.
When we make demands of others we send a message that blame or punishment will follow not responding to the request. When people hear a demand their options come down to submission or rebellion. So how do we move to requests?
- Define you objective when making a request. Requests only work if you genuinely believe the other person can exercise choice in their response.
- Use positive action language. Rather than suggesting what you don’t want (“I don’t need you to check in with me so often on the project schedule”), express requests in terms of positive actions (I would like you to check in with me on a regular weekly basis about the project schedule.)
- Make requests as specific as possible avoiding all the hazards of misinterpretation that accompany vague or ambiguous requests. For example, “I need updates from you on a weekly basis regarding sales projections” is much more effective than “Be sure to keep me updated.”
The difference may seem subtle until you consider when we make requests we are (a) asserting a need respectfully and (b) tolerating responses like “No,” “Not now,” Maybe,” and/or “I don’t know.” A demand is asserting disrespectfully and/or not tolerating any of these responses. Demands usually imply or describe consequences, and may imply “My needs are more important than yours right now (I’m 1-up). This can cause hurt, resentment, anger, antagonism, and/or anxiety, which all block effective communication.
Our dominant views of management and leadership often imply that having influence through making things happen requires demands and not requests. The point here is that this form of communication and influence comes at a cost. Demands may get something done in the short term and demonstrate you have power in the moment, but they dilute the connective potential of the relationship. By using genuine requests, you not only do not incur this cost, you invest in a higher quality connection with the other person, yielding future benefits such as greater trust and more flexibility.
Make Communication Specific
As we have seen in our previous lessons on communication we have a tendency to delete information that we assume is not necessary to share. When making requests or offering explanations it it best to be as specific as possible. Too often communications are couched in vague or global terms. More specific statements carry more information about what the speaker means and provides clearer guidance. For example, when giving feedback to some you manage, try to share specific examples of the behavior they exhibited that met or exceeded expectations. This type of communication helps the person understand and accept what you are saying.
Remain Descriptive and Avoid Evaluative Language
When evaluative judgements seep into our conversations it will trigger defensive responses and decrease the possibility of respectful engagement. Being more descriptive minimizes defensive responses and conveys helpful, practical information that allows two people to coordinate and move forward in their efforts.
Descriptive communication involves three steps:
- Stay descriptive about the behavior or event that is the focus of the conversation. For example “Three clients have complained to me this month that you have not responded to their requests.” vs. “You need to shape up in responding to customer requests. “
- Describe the outcomes or reactions associated with the behavior. Stay focused on the consequences associated with the behavior and not lapse into discussion of motives or attributions about causes. Continuing on from the previous example we might say, “Three complaint calls in one month is not acceptable because the customers are sure to go elsewhere.”
- Stay focused on solutions. Make it clear that the purpose of the conversation is to move things forward: “We need both to win back their confidence and to show them you are responsive. How about offering them a free system analysis?”
Questions for Discussion
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